The Return

Dearest Readers,

Resisting Love, the last blog post, elicited a number of heartfelt responses. One woman’s comment struck me as particularly pressing.

She wrote:

“I appreciate the message of acceptance and I have to admit I was left wanting more….more about how….how to accept…how to stay open… to live and trust and evolve….”

Isn’t this the million dollar question for all of us? How? How? How do we do it? How do we really live? Not just cope or get by or survive the daily struggle but really embrace Life fully and joyfully, living as though each day were our very last?

There is no One Manual. There are many manuals to choose from to help guide us but despite being given great wisdom from the sacred scriptures of our ancient cultures and having multiple modern-day self-help books from which to choose, none of us really knows what we’re doing. We are all just figuring it out as we go.

This is really something, isn’t it? We are all trying so hard to get this Life Thing right. And it isn’t easy! Being human is very confusing. Why did that happen? What am I supposed to do about this? What do I do with all of these thoughts? How do I handle my emotions? Am I doing enough?

Without an Instruction Booklet we pretty much just carry on the best we can. And we really are all doing the best we can. It might not seem that way sometimes and yet this is where ‘how to accept’ comes in. How would it be for me to accept that we are all doing the best we can with what we’ve got?

The inner perfectionist balks. Are you kidding me? she says. He is not doing his best and she could be doing way better.

There is no Acceptance when I am expecting everyone to be operating at a perfect level of human awareness and behaviour. Acceptance requires that I let go of unrealistic expectations and remember that just like me that person is trying to figure out how to live.

‘How to stay open’ is just as challenging. Staying open means leaving myself vulnerable to being rejected and getting hurt. Staying open means I will not be in control of the situation. This is unthinkable. The inner protector says, It is better to armour up and shut down. But being numb doesn’t actually feel all that great. What to do?

The ‘How’ of anything always starts with a conscious decision. I am deciding to practice staying open even though I am afraid to let go of my desire for control. Once we make the decision, it then becomes a little bit easier to take the necessary action, in this case welcoming the fear of rejection.

That sounds really unpleasant. Welcome the fear of rejection? Are you nuts?

The only way I can possibly welcome anything this uncomfortable is by cultivating a Deeper Understanding of Who I Am. This is where ‘how to live and trust and evolve’ comes in.

If I am 100% identified with my temporary nature, my little finite human life, then I will experience all hurt and rejection as being about me, about my person, as my fault. This misguided identification will then result in shameful feelings, which, in turn, produce the controlling, perfectionist, armoured-up person living in fear and anxiety.

Cultivating a Deeper Understanding of Who I Am involves dis-identifying with what I think and feel and desire. Take note, I did not say annihilate. Thoughts and feelings and desires are natural, human, and necessary and I am not trying to get rid of them (and believe me, I have tried).

I am simply trying overcome the false notion that my thoughts, feelings and desires are the sum total of my being because when I mistake these instincts for my True Identity, I suffer.

But if I am not what I think, feel and desire then who am I? What is my True Identity?

As I wrote in the last post, Who We Are is nothing less than The Evolving Manifestation of the Mysterious Energy Creating and Sustaining All Things at Every Conceivable Level of Physical and Non-Physical Reality (aka ‘God’).

The human challenge is that we cannot Know This with our intellect. This Knowing comes from a place in us that is beyond the intellectual mind and it is only by cultivating This Knowing through formal or informal practices like prayer and meditation (in any and all forms) that This Knowing becomes intuitive (oh, and studying astrophysics helps, too).

Once this intuitive connection happens, the How is more readily accessible because there remains only one, simple action left to take: The Return.

The Action of Returning is key to accepting, staying open, living, trusting and evolving. And it’s not too difficult, though it does require vigilance. Every single time I realize that I’ve forgotten Who I Really Am, that I’ve become identified with my thoughts, feelings and desires, I return to the Deeper Understanding of My Being, my True Identity.

How often do I practice The Return? A hundred million times a day.

Whenever I realize I’ve disappeared, forgotten, resisted, distracted, escaped, left the building, I return, return, return.

To what am I returning? To That Which I Already Am.

Yes, my anger, fear, self-loathing, doubt, insecurity, jealousy, resentment is still there. This is my humanness and I will never outrun it (and I do still try). But what we are returning to is far deeper than our humanness, it is That Which Makes Us Human.

From the fires of Love,


Resisting Love

This blog post is the last issue of The Healing Journey, the letter I send out to subscribers. You may subscribe here to receive the email.

Dearest Readers,

‘Love’ gets a lot of air time as the final solution to the world’s problems.

All you need is love. Make love not war. Whatever the question, love is the answer.

I do not disagree. In fact, I would march in any protest holding a One Love slogan high or chanting it loud and long for all to hear.

Why, then, when we are so good at touting this truth, do we still resist love? And not just on a global scale, as a peaceful solution to mass discord, but on a personal one as well?

How many people do you know who hurt themselves or reject goodness or resist love? A few? Dozens? Hundreds? Thousands? Millions? Billions?

For your separation from God is the hardest work in this world.

This line from a poem by Hafez (or Hafiz) says it all. Why are we working so hard to separate ourselves from That Which We Already Are?

Lots of reasons. Trauma, addiction, mental illness, low self-esteem, self-loathing, desire for power and control, fear.

In short: because we’re human.

In evolutionary terms, it could be argued that we are still at the very beginning of our journey toward full, conscious awakening. There may be a few awakened beings walking around but most of us are still dragging our knuckles and clubbing each other.


Because we don’t realize Who We Really Are.

I think I’m Celia. And I am. I’m also the Evolving Manifestation of the Mysterious Energy Creating and Sustaining All Things at Every Conceivable Level of Physical and Non-Physical Reality.

(I know, it’s a lot easier to say ‘God’ but the word divides. You’ve heard me say it before, we need a new word. Or we at least need to come to some kind of agreement on what the word means. Until then, I’ll create variations.)

Being Celia, or human, means I am subject to human experience. Human experience includes wrestling with ‘the thousand natural shocks that flesh is heir to.’ I am going to get hurt and rejected. I am going to suffer. Because I’ve suffered and been hurt and rejected, I’m going to identify with these experiences. Naturally. And this identification is going to lead me to believe that I am unworthy, unloved and unlovable. Hence, when love comes my way I’m going to resist it. Or even before it comes my way I’m going to make sure it doesn’t arrive. Cut it off at the pass.

This is the wound of separation, which leads to the hardest work in the world. So how do we heal?

First of all, there is no cure for being human. It is what I am. No matter how hard I try, I will not outrun my humanity and the fear that comes with it.

In the same way, I cannot outrun That Which Makes Me Human. I may be able to resist The Force Behind Human Existence but extricating myself from It? Not a chance.

This is why separation is ‘the hardest work in the world’. Because we literally cannot do it.

Resisting Love because we’re afraid of being hurt or vulnerable or rejected is the expected human reaction. Understanding that it is impossible to resist That Which We Already Are is the evolved and awakened response.

Still, resistance persists. I may know intellectually that I am the Cosmos Looking at Itself or a Child of God or Bliss Absolute or however you want to say it and yet there I go again, pressing the self-sabotage button, rejecting Love before it rejects me.

It’s okay.

We can’t annihilate our separation work any more than we can outrun our humanness. Because our separation work is our humanness. This is how we are made. If we didn’t have the veil of separation we’d be God. Or the Thing That Makes All Things Possible. That veil is what enables us to be here.

So, if you are in the resistance, if your separation work is generating or perpetuating the suffering, be gentle with yourself. We’re still evolving. We’re not getting it wrong.

I recently asked a 105 year-old woman what her secret was. “I just live,” she said.

May we all just live, as we are, trusting that Evolution or Divine Love or Cosmic Oneness is doing Its good work in all of us, even now, and even now, and now and now…

From the fires of love,


Oh My God

Dearest Readers,

One of the things I enjoy most is having meaningful discussions. Small talk is okay but I’d much rather have Deep Talk. Why chit-chat about the weather when we could be talking about the Meaning of Life?

My all-time favourite subject is God. Whether we talk about ‘God’ as a word that soothes or rankles or ‘God’ as a deity who exists or doesn’t, everybody is going to have something interesting to say on the topic.

On a recent outing with a friend, he mentioned a phone call he’d had with his mother, a spiritual person who relies on God for guidance.

“She’s always talking about God and I’m like, Mom, I don’t believe in God.”

I’d previously had all kinds of spiritual conversations with this person so I was curious as to what he really meant. Did he mean he didn’t believe in a man with a beard directing human activity? Did he mean he didn’t believe in religion? As I’ve written here before, language is key, and finding the right language can open the door.

“You don’t believe in God and yet I’m wondering if you experience the Universe as participatory,” I asked him.

He thought about it for a while and then said, “It’s my experience that sometimes it feels like I’m getting kicked around and other times I feel like I might be being guided.”

At that moment we passed a church with a banner that read, “What about God and Science?”

“I think it’s worth noting the appearance of that banner right now,” I said, pointing up at the oracular question looming above us. Hmmm…

Another conversation with a friend who identified as a ‘militant atheist’ in one breath and a ‘very spiritual person’ in the next prompted me to interview him to ask him more about his dichotomous stance. During the interview he ended up saying, “I am God. You’re God.”

I knew what he meant. He didn’t mean that he’d made the world or that I had but rather Whatever Made The World was currently operating in us, present in us. We aren’t It, per se, but we are of It. The Quakers have an apt way of putting it: “There is that of God in Everyone.”

Later, the friend who’d said he didn’t believe in God but did feel, to some extent, that the Universe is participatory, texted me his appreciation for our conversation.

“I think it’s cool that you are constantly expanding your definition for the human journey beyond any spiritual/religious lexicon,” he wrote.

He’s right about my ‘constantly expanding’. There was a time when I was positively evangelical in my views, which made having any kind of meaningful spiritual dialogue near impossible. Coming up against my own rigidity has forced me to move beyond language and labels because I’ve learned the hard way that the more I cling to my own beliefs as ‘right’ and my own labels as ‘true’ then the less any kind of real connection can take place.

And that is what I am looking for. Real Connection. Yes, it is much easier to dis-connect. To hide away and disengage. Even when I’m in the presence of others I can cut myself off. Because it takes real effort to make a Real Connection. Being Present requires a certain amount of letting go and a certain amount of waking up. Either way, it’s work. And sometimes I don’t want to do the work.

But I do it anyway. And I keep on doing it. Because if the Universe is participating in my life then I’d like to participate right back. We are still evolving here. Our current experience is just a blip in the Evolutionary Time Span. If the God conversation lands us in a debate about religion or embroiled in a dogmatic argument then we have missed out on an opportunity to find our Common Ground.

What is our Common Ground? It’s pretty simple. We all belong to one species: Homo sapiens and we are all made up of trillions of atoms. All of us. We are all made of the same stuff: Energy.

What is Energy? Why does it exist? We don’t know. But we all get to decide our own answer. We all get to interpret Energy or God or That Which is Beyond the Intellect however we darn please. And as long as we don’t get caught up in thinking we have the right answer or the best interpretation, then we should be able to unite in our Common Ground and move forward together. I can think of nothing more pressing in today’s world.

From the fires of love,


Speaking Words of Wisdom

Dearest Readers,

It’s been a while! Thank you to those of you who have told me how much you miss the blog. It is welcome praise. Knowing that the Inspiring Message of the Day has had an impact  really means more to me than I can say.

I’ve been working steadily on GITA and it’s been going well. Well, “well” might not be the best choice of words. It is not an easy play to write. I am exploring The Big Life Questions and it’s definitely affecting my psyche.

In the play, Corporal June Wright is suffering from PTSD after experiencing war trauma. She is being counseled by Padre Givin, a Canadian Forces Chaplain. June has lost all sense of meaning and the Padre is accompanying her on her journey back to hope. It’s a light comedy. I’m kidding.

June has lost all faith in humanity and God. She is torn between finishing her contract with the Forces and pursuing her art. She doesn’t see that there is any point to living when death is the inevitable end. She is desperately trying to understand why atrocities happen and how any kind of God could exist when such horror does, too. She is lost and faithless. Hopeless and despairing.

Naturally, this is wreaking some havoc on my own spiritual life. June is asking the questions I would like the answers to as well. I, too, have found myself losing faith and gaining anger. “Yeah! What’s up with all this sh!#?” This is nothing new. I’ve spent most of my life asking these questions. It has been a true journey of faith to learn how to trust in a Loving Power Back of All Things despite “the horror, the horror.”

The other day I was speaking with the woman who accompanies me on the Healing Path. She is a Spiritual Director and her love, insight and wisdom have helped me enormously. With her I move through difficult times, walk through fear, overcome shame, forgive myself and remember that ultimately I do believe God is Love.

So I was telling her about the anger that was coming up because of GITA. Does God make bad things happen? What the hell is it really all about? Why do those who rise up against injustice get crucified? Shot? Beaten to death? One of my greatest fears lies at the root of these questions: If we stand up for what is right we will be killed.

“There is no Life Insurance,” she said. “There is no Safe Passage.” None of us is guaranteed immunity from death. There is no reward for being a Good Girl. Indeed, she added, “Bad things happen to good people.” And then she suggested I read that book. (I did get it from the Library and have begun to read.)

Her point triggered another realization. I have an Old BS (belief system) that tells me that if I am very, very, good, which unfortunately translates into “perfect”, I will be safe. I will be rewarded. I will be protected from harm and even death, as ridiculous as that sounds.

Not so, Celia. Just. Not. So.

Alas, I am returned to the place where I have been before, many, many times: Embrace the Mystery.

You see, I want answers. I want a formula I can work out. I want to know that A+B=C. I want Life Insurance. I want Safe Passage. I want the Big Guarantee. And the more I want it the more I suffer. Because I’m not going to get it. No matter what I do or say or how I act or live, I will not make it out of here alive.

So when I find myself in times of trouble I remember that there will be an answer. I just don’t get to know what It is right now. So I have to do that thing, that difficult, painful, necessary, healing thing. I have to Let it Be.

Inspiring Message of the Day: There is nothing wrong with asking the Big Questions. This is Human Nature. But I must be satisfied with not knowing the answers. Today I will trust the Great Mystery and embrace the simple and humble experience of letting it Be.

Circle Up

Dearest Readers,

Yesterday was a Full Circle Day. A day when something which once had a beginning is now given an ending and the chapter is closed.

In January 1997 I moved to Edmonton, AB, after a 15-month stretch in Ireland. The fantasy was to move there and start a theatre company with a “friend” but the reality was that I was addicted to a doomed and destructive relationship. Four months later I was outta there.

Despite the insanity of my predicament I did make some attempt to get involved in Edmonton’s theatre community. I called a number of theatre companies and artistic directors to set up meetings and introduce myself. Out of all the people I called, only one responded with enthusiasm and actually agreed to meet with me in person. I was ever so grateful at the time.

Thirteen years later I got to meet this man again. Just yesterday we got together here in Whitehorse for a cuppa tea. He is in town working with Nakai Theatre and we hooked up to chat about our respective theatre projects. We laughed about the fact that we were getting together 13 years later and compared memories of our first meeting. They were similar but different.

He remembered me coming to a rehearsal of a play he was directing. I remembered coming to see the show but not being in rehearsal. It didn’t matter much but it was interesting for me to hear that I’d actually been somewhere I didn’t recall being. Memory is such a strange thing.

My memories of Edmonton are a mix of the good, the bad and the ugly. It was a pretty dark time in my life but I was also receiving abundant gifts from the Universe including the realization that if I didn’t stop drinking I was probably going to stop breathing. It was a life-changing trip.

Meeting with this man yesterday gave me the opportunity to reflect on that time in my life and how far I’ve come both in my personal life and in my work life. There I was, at the beginning of my career, looking for support in an unknown community. Here I am, mid-career, surrounded by love and support in a community I hold very dear to my heart. Total one-eighty.

Did the progress I’ve made come from hard work? Partly. Did the success I’ve had come from luck? The Chinese couple I worked for at the Good Taste Restaurant in Edmonton might think so. I, however, must give all credit to the Great Mystery, to the Benevolent Life Force Energy that woke me up in that fair city and started me on the Healing Path.

The dictionary on this computer says that coming full circle means to “return to a past position or situation, especially in a way considered to be inevitable.” I like to think that coming full circle is when a past position or situation returns to us, especially in a way considered to be mystical.

Inspiring Message of the Day: When I come full circle I will recognize it as a chapter in my life coming to a close; a specific healing that needed to take place has just occurred and I will acknowledge and give thanks for it.