It is just before 5 a.m. and there is a ghostly bird whistling somewhere outside in the dark. I am not able to identify a bird by its call. Some, like the chickadee, are obvious. I got to know the sound of a baby coot because there was one living on the nearby lake and it peeped incessantly. The bird I’m hearing now could be a wood pigeon or an owl. Its sound is almost a cry, somewhere between a hoot and a coo. A hoo.

I was awake at three, possibly because of jet lag, having arrived back in the UK after 3 weeks in Canada. But it’s been a few days now so it is more likely the mind unable to fall back to sleep after being woken to go and relieve the bladder. I was dreaming of giant crocodiles and Steve Irwin, bless his Crocodile Hunter heart.

The mind is also being kept awake by its desire to ruminate further on a major life decision. The decision has been made but how it loves to go over and over the details! I employed all meditation techniques to no avail. Finally I got up to write.

Making decisions at the best of times let alone major life ones is never easy for the recovering perfectionist. I once stood in the linen section of a giant store trying to decide which sheets to buy. I was probably there for an hour before I left empty-handed. If I struggle to decide whether the cotton-striped or the plain flannel are right for me you can imagine what happens when I have something really important to discern. Total mental chaos leading to eventual paralysis.

I have gotten better. There is hope. Change is possible. And yet I still seem to have to go through a certain amount of turmoil before I actually decide what to do. Sticking with the decision is also difficult. Depending on the level of impact on others I can experience all kinds of guilt and shame and remorse. Ridiculous but true.

So I’ve made a major life decision. I’ve decided to move back to Canada after 19 months abroad, leaving the community I’ve been living in and the job I’ve been working at. It is the right thing to do and yet the fear comes at me in myriad ways threatening to pull me back and keep me down. I need every resource at my disposal to remain steadfast in the peace that came with the final decision. Because believing the doubt does not bring peace. It just sets me back in indecision. And indecision is really just another form of control.

Control is the perfectionist’s drug of choice. Getting off it is a lifetime journey of letting go practiced one decision at a time. Luckily, or unluckily, depending on your view, Life itself is the rehab centre. We’re given countless opportunities each day to release the fear and trust in the Unknown. Like the bird singing in the dark trusting day will come.

Inspiring Message of the Day: Despite my fear of making a mistake I will stick to my decision. I will surrender perfectionism and let go of trying to get it right. I will practice trusting the Unknown.

Or Not To Be…

Dearest Readers,

One of the challenging things about writing a blog six days a week is that I run into the danger of repeating myself. Perhaps danger is too strong a word. Perhaps not. Good writers do not enjoy repeating themselves. Good writers do not enjoy repeating themselves.

At the risk of posting something I’ve posted before I’m going to back to the topic of making decisions. It’s a major theme in my life lately so I guess it can’t be avoided. There is big learning going on here.

What I continue to know about myself is that I need absolute clarity before I can say “yes” to something. The fear that this brings up is generally connected to what other people are going to think about me and my process. It’s not convenient. It appears wishy-washy. It seems extravagant or excessive.

In reality, waiting for clarity is honouring my Highest Good. When I give myself permission to wait I am affirming my trust in the Higher Plan for my life.

Today I am in the process of producing a feature film. It’s a big job and it has already been many years in development. There are decisions I need to make presently, which will affect the next few years of my life. Obviously this is not easy.

What happens is that the discomfort of not knowing creates huge temptation in me to get the decision over with so I can strike it off the list and move on. Get rid of the anxiety. But past experience is telling me to wait.

“When in doubt, don’t,” someone said to me recently. Be patient. Wait. More will be revealed. Trust.

It’s taking all the courage I have to follow Guidance on this one. Sitting with the uncomfortable feelings is not my idea of a good time. But I do trust Intuition. It has never, ever let me down before whereas my impatience has. So has my desire to control the situation. Neither of these qualities has ever brought me to Peace.

Hopefully you’re not getting tired of this line of discussion, dear Reader. You’re certainly helping me work through the process. I’ll be happy knowing it’s helping you, too.

Inspiring Message of the Day: Until I have real clarity about a decision I will continue to wait. I will practice patience, trusting the Path will make itself known to me at just the right time leading to the perfect outcome.