• The Bank of Love

    • January 15, 2010 9:30 am

    Dearest Readers,

    The other day I heard a man talking about making mistakes. He had just read a recovery-oriented book and was greatly helped by what it had to say. One particularly meaningful passage for him described how to “capitalize” mistakes by overcoming them.

    I like this. In this context, capitalize means “realize” or “convert into capital”. What is capital? Assets. Wealth.

    During the course of the Big O Project (my new name for the project I’m working on for the 2010 Olympics), I have made many mistakes. Like, a lot. A big lot. At one point in my life these mistakes would have devastated me. I probably would have given up. Or, at the very least, brooded for days. Mistakes, for the perfectionist, are acutely painful.

    Today, as a recovering perfectionist, I have a different attitude. The old pinch can still be felt so it’s not quite water-off-a-duck’s-back but I am aware now. I am aware of my Old BS (Old Belief System) that tells me if I can’t do it perfectly it shouldn’t be done, or that I’m bad or worthless or stupid.

    I’m also aware of a New Approach, similar to the one described above. I can react differently. I can choose a different path. I can say to myself, “I made a mistake. It’s okay,” and I can move on.

    We are allowed to make mistakes! What a concept. How important, how vital to our collective well-being, is this statement! Perfectionist culture perpetuates nothing but shame and self-loathing. It says, “You’re not good enough,” and we buy in.

    Apparently, next weekend in this town where I live there is a protest against our current Prime Minister and his decision to prorogue Parliament. Just between you and me, I’d rather march against perfectionism.

    So how do we turn mistakes into assets? How do we capitalize upon them? How do we use them for personal wealth? By learning from them. By doing things differently the next time and not beating ourselves up in the first place. By sharing our experience with others so that they might avoid the same situation. By having compassion with our less-than-perfect friends, colleagues, and fellow beings.

    These tools are capital for the bank of our individual and collective well-being. It’s the best kind of investment we can make and the interest rate is sky high.

    Inspiring Message of the Day: I’m allowed to make mistakes. If I make a mistake, I will acknowledge it, tell myself it’s okay, and move on. From this I gain personal wealth in the form of self-love.

    Happy Endings

    • November 3, 2009 7:06 am

    I’m staying with a woman who is a filmmaker and it’s great spending time with her because we can talk about films, one of my favourite subjects.

    When my friend asked me about my own film work I told her I’ve started a new draft of the feature film script I’m writing. She wanted to know what it’s about and I gave her my one-sentence pitch:

    A woman chooses independence over romantic love.

    I only recently came to this conclusion myself. I’ve been working on this thing for years and I always thought it was about something else and because I didn’t really know what that was, I was always writing in circles.

    After dinner we watched a movie called Penelope, a little-seen film with Christina Ricci about a young woman who looks like a pig. It’s a wonderful story. We all loved it.

    When the movie was over, my friend said, “You know what that was about, don’t you? A woman who chooses independence over romantic love.”

    “But she still gets the guy,” I said, which was true. After Penelope finds a sense of herself she snags the so-sexy-it-hurts James McAvoy character, who accepts her as she is.

    “So you really can have it all,” said my friend.

    We had decided earlier that day, after talking about the film I’m writing, that you can’t have it all. It’s one or the other.

    But is it? Couldn’t a person be really and truly independent and still be in a relationship?

    Yes, there are certain compromises one has to make in order to make a relationship work but what about inter-dependence, the idea that two people can be independent together?

    The movies rarely show this kind of couple. They show the falling in love, they show the honeymoon stage, they show the fireworks. They don’t show the work it takes to stay together.

    I would like to see more films that show the work aspect of love. The communication, the negotiation, the compromising, the couples therapy. Reality.

    But we don’t go to the movies to watch reality. We go to escape. We have a strong desire to believe in the perfect relationship otherwise there would be no such thing as a Hollywood ending.

    There’s nothing wrong with Hollywood endings. They’re fantasies and fantasies make us feel good.

    But the films that have stayed with me, the ones that have had the greatest impact are the ones with a realistic endings. I think of Five Easy Pieces, an unforgettable film with Jack Nicholson made in 1970. I won’t ruin the ending if you haven’t seen it but it’s a crusher.

    Maybe I will bow to pressure and let the woman and the man stay together in the film I’m writing. After all, Jane Austen gave her characters what she didn’t have and look what happened for her.

    Regardless, there is one thing I do know: if I desire independence I have to work for it, in or out of a relationship.

    Inspiring Message of the Day: The real love I seek is self-love. Without it, no relationship is worth much.