• Help is on the Way

    • April 15, 2010 10:04 am

    Dearest Readers,

    Recently I was a part of a sharing circle for women who are struggling with trauma and addiction issues. One of the tools we discussed was “asking for help”. Most of us agreed that asking for help is anathema. Too hard, feels gross, forget it I’m not doing it.

    It’s not easy for a person who has been hurt to ask for help because the fear of rejection is huge. Our trust issues can keep us from doing the one thing that will bring us relief. Saying “I need help” is probably the fastest way to change the situation but also the most terrifying.

    When I was in high school I was directing a play and needed to move a set piece onto the stage. It was way bigger than I could handle but did I need help? Help no! I hauled it and pushed it and nearly broke my back moving it to where I needed it to go. Success! But wait. Oh no! In the process I had scraped the heck out of the stage floor.

    Our drama teacher came before the class and asked the person responsible for the damage to step forward. No one did. I wrestled with the guilt. Finally, I went to him and confessed. He was very forgiving, probably because I’d stepped forward to tell the truth. He’d wanted to know why I hadn’t just asked someone to help me move the damn thing?

    Good question. If the thought occurred to me at the time I don’t remember. Likely I didn’t want to bother anyone (people-pleaser), or I was afraid of appearing weak (ego-driven) or I simply thought I could do it alone (false pride). Regardless, I ruined the floor and learned a good (hard) lesson.

    One of the gals in the sharing circle who had been through extreme trauma in the form of sexual abuse volunteered to share her feelings with the group. She opened up, probably for the first time, and told us what she was going through. Lots of fear, anger and shame came up but lots of hurt, too, and great sadness. Although she didn’t actually say, “I need help,” she was, in a way, asking for it just by telling us what was in her heart.

    That’s where it begins. Telling the truth about ourselves from our hearts. This is how I’m really doing. This is how I really am. Will you help me? From there asking for help to move the furniture becomes second nature.

    Inspiring Message of the Day: I will practice telling the truth about myself from my heart. I will practice asking for help when I need it.

    Ask to Receive

    • December 4, 2009 8:45 am

    Dearest Readers,

    One of the reasons this blog is called Cultivate Your Courage is because cultivating courage is a practice that I need to keep up. I would love to be the person who is writing everyday about how fearless I am but instead I come to you today, humbly, with fear kicking my butt.

    The inspiration I hope to offer you comes from the fact that I refuse to let it win.

    Despite the fact that I’ve been taking good care of myself I continue to feel fatigued this week. When I’m tired the fear rears its ugly head.

    A friend of mine sent me an excellent quote by Friedrich Nietzsche who apparently said, “When we are tired, we are attacked by ideas we conquered long ago.”

    This was a good thing for me to hear because I’m now being attacked by negative thinking that I have overcome in the past. Old BS (Old Belief System).

    Last night, I decided to flip back through my journal for inspiration. I had just finished writing the day’s entry on the very last page and whenever I get to the end of a book I like to look back to see where I’ve been and how I’ve changed.

    I found an entry from the summer, wherein I’d written that one of my new goals was to “practice joy”. A-ha! I’d forgotten about that.

    How does one practice joy when she feels like a slug? That’s like saying to a depressed person, “Just get off the couch!” It’s a whole lot easier said than done.

    This is where asking for help comes in. Because left to my own devices, I will choose to remain a slug. I will stay on the couch. My fear will keep me stuck. Asking for help is a panacea.

    Whom do we ask? I usually start with the Higher Power, the Creator, the Great Spirit.

    “My desire is to practice joy today but I am tired and my fear is threatening to win. Please help me to find my way to freedom from fatigue and fear. Show me what to do. I am willing to receive guidance. I am willing to change and be changed.”

    If immediate guidance is not received we can try a human being who loves and supports us unconditionally. Not the person who’s going to try to make it better, give us a solution, force an answer. Not the person who talks instead of listens. Not the person by whom we feel judged or whom we judge. Remember we are asking for help!

    Who is the person who knows how to practice active and compassionate listening? Or the one who reminds us how well we’re doing despite the fact that we may not be feeling 100%? These are the people we reach out to for support.

    A friend of mine from Montreal used to say, “Some days are better than others.” This was a HUGE help. It reminded me that I’m not perfect. That I can be having a great run and then something can shift and I’m struggling again. The struggle doesn’t mean failure. It means opportunity.

    Inspiring Message of the Day: I will use the fact that I am struggling as an opportunity to change. Instead of succumbing to fear I will ask for help. When I share my burden it is always lessened. We’re not alone!