Shame-Less

Dearest Readers,

This is not going to be an easy post to write, or to read, but I feel it’s a necessary one. Speaking up about such matters as I am about to is the surest way to freedom from shame.

By “such matters” I mean sexual improprieties of all kinds, from the most innocent to the most vicious. Of course, the word “impropriety” is not the best one for the more hideous of sexual crimes but it suits well the situation I’m about to describe.

On a bus from New Orleans to Baton Rouge a young man whom I’d seen in the New Orleans station sat in front of me and covered himself with a big blanket. I thought nothing of this as the buses are air-conditioned to the max and loads of folks bring blankets and even coats with which to keep warm. Ludicrous when you think about it. The temperature outside is generally sweltering.

I’d noticed this particular young man for a number of reasons.  He had a paper bag for a suitcase, which can often mean a person has just been released from some kind of correctional facility, and he was being escorted by a scholarly-looking white guy who appeared to be acting as his guardian.

I also noticed him because he was beautiful. His black skin glowed with the freshness of youth and his eyes were extremely pretty for a male. He looked like a model.

In the seat in front of me, he made a sudden exaggerated motion underneath his blanket, appearing to make some kind of a joke about beating off. I took it to be an act of machismo but moments later he was really going at it and he turned his head to watch me through the space between his double seats. His guardian was sitting on the opposite side, one seat forward.

My first response was to experience real panic. I was sexually molested by a stranger when I was a child and I recognized right away the powerlessness, the feeling of fear that comes from being trapped. It resurfaced in seconds.

But I am no longer a victim. I have done the Healing necessary to overcome the shame and I continue to do the work whenever the situation calls for it. I suit up and show up so that I may live free, empowered by Higher Guidance and a fierce willingness to stare situations like this in the face and say, “This is unacceptable.”

Which is what I did. I met that man-boy’s intimidating gaze, meant to frighten and immobilize me, and spoke to him directly.

“I’ll tell the driver.” My panic response. No reaction but a trace of smugness in his pretty eyes.

Stronger now. I asked him to stop, saying something like, “Please don’t do this in front of me.  It’s disrespectful.” I was calm and I was compassionate. I showed no fear.

Amazingly, he did stop. He turned from me, sheepishly, with a look on his face that said, “It is not,” but, clearly, with a sense in his heart that it was.

Now what? Tell the driver? Tell his guardian? I imagined getting up and doing one or the other and saw an image of the young man charging at me with murderous rage. Was he dangerous?

How long I sat there pondering my next steps I do not know. Should I remain silent? After all, he obeyed me. What good would it do to tell on him?

Strangely enough (or, not-so-strangely, if you, like me, believe that coincidence is Divine), a similar incident occurred just last week when I was on the yoga ashram in the Bahamas. A local man running wild on the beach displayed his erection to a couple of the female guests, amusing at least one of them and tremendously disturbing the others.

At my urging, one of the women who was troubled by the incident spoke up about it, announcing what had happened to the staff and other guests. I supported her because, as I mentioned, I believe we need to speak up and speak out as a way of disarming the shame that these kinds of situations create.

The response on behalf of the authorities was less than satisfactory but this is nothing new. When I was molested I couldn’t figure out why all of the grown-ups around me were acting like nothing happened. Years later my mother told me they’d been asked not to make a big deal of it lest it worsen the trauma.

Twisted.

Finally, I decided I would write the scholarly guardian a note and pass it to him without being seen by his charge.

Here is what I wrote:

“Hello. The young man in your charge began to masturbate while watching me through the seats. I told him this was disrespectful and asked him to stop, which he did, but I thought you should know. Thank you.”

When I handed him the note he looked confused and even a little scared. What must he have imagined in that moment? I watched him from where I sat, unable to see his face. Moments later he popped his head up quickly, mouthed a rapid-fire “thank-you” and popped back down. Embarrassed? Afraid? Ashamed? All of the above? The man-boy slept soundly in front of me.

When we got off the bus in Baton Rouge neither of them looked at me. When I entered the restaurant where they sat eating french fries I did not look at them. They did not re-board the bus as I did, continuing on as I am to San Antonio. Thanks God for small mercies.

What does all of this mean? True Freedom lies in our own hands. No one can take it from us and therefore no one can give it back. We must claim it for ourselves.

Overcoming shame is an ongoing process, a call-to-arms against the minor and major injustices of this world. We have the Power to overcome our powerlessness by speaking up and speaking out. There is nothing, I repeat nothing, to be ashamed of.

Inspiring Message of the Day: I will defuse the bomb of shame by speaking up and speaking out. “Secrets grow in the dark and die in the Light of exposure.”

Lest We Forget

Dearest Readers,

New Orleans is a great city. I love the balconies, the floor-to-ceiling windows, the flagstone sidewalks. People look you  in the eye and say, “How you doin?'” when passing by. I now understand what is meant by Southern hospitality.

Yesterday the proverbial wind took me to the WWII Museum. I probably wouldn’t have gone in if it weren’t for GITA but because I’m now doing research for a play about war and peace I found myself sitting in the 3 o’clock showing of Beyond All Boundaries a 4-D multi-media experience narrated by Tom Hanks.

Did you know that WWII took 65,000,000 lives? Sixty-five million. I still cannot grasp this number. I keep saying it over and over, like an answerable question that begs an answer anyway: “Sixty-five million? Did I hear that right? Did I?”

One of the pieces of info I didn’t really remember from my school-day lessons was that the US did not, in fact, want to go to war. The President at the time, Franklin D. Roosevelt, said an uneqivocal “no” to joining the war effort. The attack on Pearl Harbour and Germany’s subsequent declaration of war on the US is what forced America to finally join the Allied Forces.

It was interesting to see the news reels depicting the US as a pacifist country. We think of them now as such war mongers. Perhaps WWII was the true catalyst for this change in their policy. America came out of WWII victorious (the film makes no real mention of the other Allied countries and their aid) and the victory made them an undeniable Super-Power.

The sidewalks outside the Museum are made of brick and upon each brick is carved the name of one of the Fallen. It felt strange to walk on top of their names, like walking through a graveyard, unsure of whether stepping on the Dead is akin to stepping on their honour. But I realized it was quite the opposite. My footprint on theirs. Mine from the sole of a shoe. Theirs from the Soul of a Life.

I’m a peacenik. I am. But if the Allies hadn’t fought the Axis what then? Is war sometimes necessary? Is the answer to this unanswerable question as clear as it seems?

Inspiring Message of the Day: As much as I would like things to be black and white the Truth is much more complex. I will continue to keep an open mind and give space to Life’s unanswerable questions.

Nassau to New Orleans Not-So-Direct

Dearest Readers,

The City of New Orleans is real. I’m here. It sounds arrogant but I don’t mean it to be. How do you know a place really exists until you’ve been there?

After leaving the ashram on Paradise Island I flew from Nassau to Miami where I overnighted in a hotel in Coral Gables, The City Beautiful.The hotel was full of immigrant men from South and Southeast Asia waiting to start their jobs as “crew.” I assumed that meant for the cruise ships but I didn’t get a chance to find out.

Next morning I was on a bus heading here, to the city of Mardi Gras and Katrina, a place that makes me think of movies I loved growing up: Easy Rider, Angel Heart, The Big Easy Along the way we stopped in all kinds of wacky places. Ask me about Tallahassee sometime.

After arriving in the early dawn to a sun rising on the magnificent Lake Pontchartrain Causeway that traverses Lake Pontchartrain I grabbed a taxi outside the Greyhound Station and headed for this fabulously historic B&B, Terrel House.

This is the Deep South. What I came here to experience. And I am. The Bush-hatin’ cabbie I flagged told me it never used to be this hot in New Orleans but it was getting hotter all the time because the Bible said it would. A kid serving me in a grocery store called me Ma’am. Much of the architecture in this city recalls days when parasols and fans would have been used to survive the heat. Now air-conditioning is ever-present everywhere.

I’ve got it turned off. I came to experience the heat, too.

For two days I will soak up what I can. Everyone has said, “Go to the French Quarter.” I’m more curious about Katrina’s scars and Treme but I’m just going to see where the wind (proverbial — it’s dead still) takes me.

Thunder is rumbling in close skies and a train is bleating it’s horn in the near distance. The fountain in the courtyard outside this carriage-house room is gurgling away. I’ve got the door wide open. Even if that cabbie was right I’m gonna embrace it.

Inspiring Message of the Day:
O to be Alive in this Great World!  The Wonders of Humanity and Nature, cruel and kind, bitter and sweet, so rich, so abundant, so jaw-droppingly awesome! Let our hearts sing with thanks.

Post 611

Dearest Readers,

In yesterday’s post I wrote about having a grieving session for all the pain and sorrow in the world. Last night, a woman I’ve come to know over the course of this last week on the ashram gave me the gift of one her hand-painted cards as a token of our new friendship. The card depicted the image of Guan Yin.

On the back of the card it reads:

“Chinese Goddess of Mercy and Compassion. Her name means ‘She who bears the weeping of the world.’ She takes away our anguish, our sorrow, and our pain. She watches over the children of the earth and answers our prayers.”

When I was crying so deeply the other day I was experiencing the strangest sensation of bearing the weeping of those who could not weep. By doing so I felt as though I was somehow helping to take away their anguish.

Now I am in no way suggesting that I am Guan Yin but perhaps I was channeling her Energy. When my friend handed me that card it certainly felt like something Greater than a simple Celia sob session had taken place.

The ashram is like that. Things happen  to make you go “hmmm” all the time. The Yogis would say, “Of course.” The Vibrations are very high here. Makes sense.

Does it make sense to think that there is a Chinese goddess watching over us and answering our prayers? Perhaps not. But who needs sense when you have Guanyin on your side?

Inspiring Message of the Day: When we allow ourselves to experience real grief we are allowing a Greater Power to work through us. Often, this Truth will be revealed in the aftermath through a coincidence. I will allow these moments of Mystery and Connection to deepen my trust in Higher Guidance.

Pass It On

Dearest Readers,

My time on the ashram is fast (slowly) coming to a close. I will lead the final Cultivate Your Courage workshop this afternoon and once again, it has been a powerful experience for all who participated.

One of the things that never ceases to amaze me when I lead this course is how many of us are living with fear, how much it controls our lives, and how desperately we need the support of others to walk through it.

Yesterday I had to have a private grieving session for all the pain I have encountered in the last little while. There are so many broken people in the world. Some of us find a way out and begin to walk the Healing Path. Some of us do not. Releasing tears remains one of my favorite ways to accept this Truth and then let it go.

Whenever the negative voice in my head says, “By what authority do you dare to lead this kind of workshop?” the Higher Voice (thank goodness) always answers, “By Divine Authority.”

The world needs Wounded Healers. We’ve been there and we’re walking through our fear one breath at a time. It’s my honour to support you all on this Journey.

So the sign on my door now says, “Celia McBride, D.A.”

Inspiring Message of the Day: My own wounds and fears are my greatest treasure today because they have given me real experience to share with others. I will participate in my own Healing knowing it will benefit others seeking the same Path.

Grace Full

Dearest Readers,

These posts of late have been short and (hopefully) sweet because I’m writing them on an iPhone and because my days here on the ashram, though relaxed, are quite full. But if I had a little more time I could tell you some pretty amazing stories.

They’ll have to wait.

For now, I’ll share with you my thoughts on the topic of Grace, which was the subject of last night’s study discussion.

We were told that Grace is an unmerited gift. One does not have to do anything to receive Grace. Grace is everywhere. Grace is always present. Grace is all there is. Grace is, in fact, the true definition of God. So Grace simply Is.

Though we can better receive Grace by becoming fit vessels (through prayer, meditation, right eating, right living etc.) the Nature of Grace is such that one does not have to be a fit vessel to receive It. Grace does not discriminate.

Because Grace is all there is, the unfit vessel is always receiving Grace just as the fit vessel is also. However, in order to better experience Grace, one must become open and willing.

With these qualities the individual will come to know Grace intimately and the Gift will have true meaning.

If I had a million years I couldn’t tell you of the Grace I am now experiencing. Well, maybe I could. With a laptop.

Inspiring Message of the Day: My desire is to know Grace. Because this Gift is mine by birthright I will accept its offer by being open and willing to receive it.

We Shall Receive

Dearest Readers,

One of the challenges I have faced in the past is learning how to receive. Coming to believe that I deserve a gift has been a process which has involved a great deal of healing work.

It has paid off.

Yesterday a woman on the ashram who has been attending the Inspiring Sessions I’ve been leading offered me a free Reiki session with her. She is a healer and invited me to receive her gift in thanks for the healing work I’ve been doing throughout the week.

While in the session, I began to think of how I could pay her back. I could offer her a free Inspiring Coaching session!  But something stopped me. What if I didn’t have to do anything to pay her back? What if I could just accept her gift unconditionally? What then? Then I would be affirming that I am worthy of the gift of healing.

When the session was over I said nothing but thank you.

Inspiring Message of the Day: The open heart receives. Today I will allow myself to receive a gift that is offered to me and I will give nothing but my word of thanks in return.

Don’t Get It

Dearest Readers,

This morning I attended a Puja in one of the temples here on the ashram. A puja is a ceremony that involves worshipping the deities of the Hindu faith. The altar is cleansed and purified, the statues of the deities are washed with milk and water, chanting and prayers are sung and spoken and then the statues are dressed in fancy cloth and prayer beads are hung around their necks.

As fascinating as this ritual is I have found it rather strange and difficult to understand. But an open mind is the aspirant’s best friend and so I have done my best not to judge.

At this point in time, without having done the real homework (asking someone to explain it to me), I have deduced that the real meaning of the Puja lies in the action of the thing. By spending this kind of devoted time in worship the aspirant is not only expressing her thanks but she is also given an opportunity to experience Oneness with her Creator.

As I began to let go of my judgment I started to appreciate the patience and focus the ritual required. I was then invited up to the altar to participate in the ceremony. As I assisted the monk in the washing of Lakshmi I felt strangely honoured to be a part of this service.

When I returned to the meditation cushion where I had been sitting my heart felt full and I was moved to tears. Why? What had taken place?

Maybe it’s best not to try and figure it out. When I do that I tend to miss the point.

Inspiring Message of the Day: I do not need to understand everything. Sometimes when I just let things happen the understanding comes all by itself.

Still and All

Dearest Readers,

As I write this I am watching a little green lizard climb up a nearby tree. I have been seeing a lot of these creatures skittling around the ashram and they fill me with pleasure. We can learn stillness from the lizard.

Ah, stillness. Something so lovely and excruciating all at once. When the body becomes still the mind wakes up. The mind gets busy thinking. That’s why you’ll hear so many people say, “I can’t meditate.”  We think to meditate means to have a quiet mind.

Meditation, in fact, will reveal the activity of the mind thus giving us the opportunity to practice letting it all go. When I arrived on the ashram a few days ago I was pretty stimulated from 10 days of constant activity. Sitting still in silence gave my mind the time to think about everything that had happened. How to let go and be here now?

Practice. It’s the only answer. Keep at it. Like people who say, ” I can’t do yoga because I’m not flexible” we need to be reminded that yoga promotes flexibility. The more I give myself over to sitting still the louder the mind will get but with time and willingness I will get better at simply Being.

The lizard is my guru!

Inspiring Message of the Day:
The nature of the mind is to think. When I understand this I can give myself a break for having an over-active melon. Meditation is a practice which teaches me to Be instead of to think. I will give myself the gift of this practice today.

I am

Dearest Readers,

Here on the ashram life is quite simple.  Waken early, meditate, chant, practice yoga for the body, eat, do service, study, more yoga, eat again, meditate again, study some more and bed. Nothing complicated about that.

But the study, well, I wouldn’t say it’s complicated, rather it is decidedly simple but it is not easy. For here we study the Ultimate Reality and becoming that which we already are: the manifestation of Pure Consciousness.

Yup, told ya it was simple.

Inspiring Message of the Day:
Who am I really? I am a human being, yes, and I, too, am a part of the Great I Am, the Power of Oneness Back of All Things. When I remember this my fear is relinquished.