• Willing to Live

    • August 29, 2011 9:12 am

    Dearest Readers,

    This post is for you if you are feeling overwhelmed, run down by life, paralyzed by fear, stuck in a rut, cynical, helpless, hopeless. I would like you to know that you are not alone.

    Before I go on, I would like to preface what I am about to say by telling you that I have a great life. I am young, healthy, talented, loved, and pretty cute. AND I struggle with anxiety and fear. So despite the fact that I have enormous amounts of abundance and opportunities for joy in my life I go to bed some nights and wake up some days in cold, naked, fear.

    Last night was one of those nights and this morning was one of those mornings.

    When I went to bed last night I told myself that when the cat pounced on me at 5:30 the next day I would not go back to bed after getting up to feed him. I would do the morning routine and embrace the day. I was determined because I knew that if I didn’t, if I let the fear plague me it would end up driving the bus of my day and I would sink deeper into the mire.

    So this morning at 5:30 a.m., right on schedule, “Pounce!” The cat jumped on me and began his mournful sing-song to waken me. Guess what? I ignored him. I pulled the covers over my head and stuck a finger in my ear.

    Fear: 1, Celia: 0

    Now because I am aware of my shortcomings, because I am aware that I rebel against my Highest Good, because I well know that I get in my own way more often than I care to admit, I did not stop there. I did not let the fear win.

    Despite myself, I began to ask for help. Buried under those covers with a finger in my ear listening to the cat cry for his breakfast I began to pray like a motherlover.

    “I don’t want to get up. I don’t want to face the day. It’s too much. Please help me. Please forgive me. Please give me the strength and courage to pull my covers off and sit up and get up and feed the cat and start the morning routine and live the day. I don’t want to because I’m afraid but I’m willing. Give me the courage, please, I need strength, please help me.”

    I kept on like that for some time. I just kept on. Then out came the finger. Off came the covers. I sat up. I got up. I fed the cat. I splashed water on my face and drank water. Life-giving water. I felt relief.

    Celia:1, Fear: 0

    I began the morning routine, entering into deeper prayer and meditation. I did a yoga practice. I WENT FOR A JOG. IN THE RAIN. When I got back I picked raspberries from the bush in our yard for breakfast.

    Miracles all.

    Somewhere around the five-minute mark into the jog (those of you who have been following this blog since the beginning will be most impressed for I began hauling myself up an outdoor staircase two years ago to build cardio activity into my life and nearly had a heart attack) I began to feel better. The fear began to lift and I could feel my energy changing. Hallelujah.

    For a person who is gripped by fear or anxiety the most difficult thing in the world to do is to get up off the proverbial couch. And yet it is the absolute solution to the problem. We must get up off the couch and step into our lives for the fear to lift, for things to change, for the miracle of thankfulness to overtake the dread. And yet how? How do we do that when we are paralyzed?

    Ask. Ask for the strength and courage. Beg for it if you have to. It will come. It. Will. Come.

    Inspiring Message of the Day: I am willing to live despite my fear. I am willing to move forward with love in my heart. I’m terrified of what lies ahead and life feels too big for me to handle. But I’m willing because I trust the shift will come and when it does I will be returned to thankfulness and inner peace, which is my true state of being.

    Silent Recognition

    • August 2, 2010 10:48 am

    Dearest Readers,

    After two months on the road I am home (sweet home) and it feels great to be here. Yesterday afternoon after completing the cardio spurt I committed to last year I looked out at the mountains, deep green with summer life, and said to myself, “Man, I love this place.”

    When I flew home the other day I had a long layover so decided to take the Canada Line into Vancouver to run some errands. After a fruitful shopping session I headed back to the airport to spend the rest of my time chilling in the departure lounge.

    On my way back inside the airport I witnessed an interesting exchange between a guy heading in my direction and a guy heading in the opposite direction, for the trains. This is the conversation that took place:

    Guy Heading for the Airport: Are you going downtown?

    Guy Heading for the Trains: Uh, yes.

    GHFTA: I have a Day-Pass and I don’t need it. Would you like it?

    GHFTT: How much do you want for it?

    GHFTA: No, nothing. You can have it. It’s good for the whole day.

    GHFTT: Oh, okay. Thanks. Thank you.

    GHFTA: You’re welcome. It’s good for the whole day!

    As the GHFTA and I walked inside I was tempted to say something to him. I wanted to acknowledge his generosity in some way, you know, validate it for him. It was on the tip of my tongue to speak, to say the words, “That was really generous of you.” He stood right in front of me, the escalator carrying us down together.

    I kept silent.

    Why? Was it fear? No. I’ve been afraid to speak out in such situations before but this time it was something else that held my tongue.

    Humility. Both his and mine.

    First of all, his: The GHFTA didn’t do what he did for recognition. He made the decision alone, he took the action alone and he alone would receive the benefits of such kindness.

    And we all know what those are, don’t we? A sense of satisfaction at having done something decent. A feeling of righteousness without the “self” in front. Integrity, increased self-esteem. All good stuff.

    Okay, secondly, mine: The GHFTA didn’t need me to make his action count. Who was I to interfere? “That was really generous of you.” No duh. That’s why he did it.

    Don’t get me wrong. As an Inspiring Coach I’m all about validating our successes, however small. But by keeping my mouth shut I was acknowledging my own insignificance in the situation. I was the Silent Witness, nothing more.

    This action not taken on my part was inspired by the GHFTA’s own humble gesture. He didn’t need me to make his day. He’d already done that for himself.

    Inspiring Message of the Day: Am I the kind of person who needs to make everything about me? Today I will be the Silent Witness, allowing other people to have their moment in the spotlight without my interference.