• Take Care

    • January 28, 2016 6:47 am

    I recently posted about making a major life decision and how difficult it can be when perfectionism or the fear of making a mistake is a dominant, controlling factor. Another element that hinders my own healthy decision-making is the desire to protect other people from their hurt feelings.

    The decision I made to return to Canada directly impacted a number of people, and one person in particular, whom I shall call Maura, was especially affected. She and I had been living together in community for 8 months and I knew that if I left she would be alone, hurt and even betrayed by my choosing to go. The thought of inflicting these feelings upon Maura was enough to make me stay. The voices of dissent were pretty loud: How could I do this to her? Leaving her was totally unconscionable; an unforgivable, selfish act.

    These negative thoughts plagued me and I wavered, thinking it would be better to sacrifice my own well-being to save Maura from her pain.

    Red-flag moment. Save Maura? When I get into saving someone else I know I am in big trouble. I have moved out of the relative safety of taking care of someone and into the dangerous territory of care-taking. There is a big difference between the two.

    “Taking care” involves looking after someone’s needs, being of service, helping out. Care-taking is about looking after someone else’s needs at the cost of my own and serving the ego’s desire for approval and esteem. It is not helpful. To anyone.

    If I had stayed to protect Maura from her grief not only would I have been compromising my own needs, making me emotionally sick (and possibly even physically), I would also have been depriving Maura of her own life process. Not my job.

    Care-taking is controlling behaviour at its most subtle. I tell myself I am protecting Maura therefore I am doing a good thing. I am noble. I am a saint! In fact, I am simply trying to orchestrate an outcome over which I am entirely powerless. I cannot save Maura from herself.

    The consequences of care-taking can be dire because in trying to protect the other person I eventually become angry and resentful. If I had stayed in community with Maura I would have begun to see her as the one now keeping me from living my fullest and best life. And even though she didn’t ask me to protect her, even though I took it upon myself to save her, she would have been the one to blame for my faulty thinking. See the insanity? I sacrifice myself and it’s her fault.

    Leaving Maura was one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do. I wrestled with the question of what was right and agonized over whether I was wrong. In the end, I chose to put my own well-being first. (Even writing that sentence feels uncomfortable.) Doing so required an enormous amount of trust that my own liberation would somehow mean Maura’s liberation, too. Even if it caused her pain.

    Inspiring Message of the Day: Am I able to embrace the concept of self-care? Do I attend to what is life-giving for me? If I am putting myself last on the list and it is costing me too much I will begin to trust that my own deepest needs can come first.

     

    Decide

    • January 8, 2016 9:39 pm

    It is just before 5 a.m. and there is a ghostly bird whistling somewhere outside in the dark. I am not able to identify a bird by its call. Some, like the chickadee, are obvious. I got to know the sound of a baby coot because there was one living on the nearby lake and it peeped incessantly. The bird I’m hearing now could be a wood pigeon or an owl. Its sound is almost a cry, somewhere between a hoot and a coo. A hoo.

    I was awake at three, possibly because of jet lag, having arrived back in the UK after 3 weeks in Canada. But it’s been a few days now so it is more likely the mind unable to fall back to sleep after being woken to go and relieve the bladder. I was dreaming of giant crocodiles and Steve Irwin, bless his Crocodile Hunter heart.

    The mind is also being kept awake by its desire to ruminate further on a major life decision. The decision has been made but how it loves to go over and over the details! I employed all meditation techniques to no avail. Finally I got up to write.

    Making decisions at the best of times let alone major life ones is never easy for the recovering perfectionist. I once stood in the linen section of a giant store trying to decide which sheets to buy. I was probably there for an hour before I left empty-handed. If I struggle to decide whether the cotton-striped or the plain flannel are right for me you can imagine what happens when I have something really important to discern. Total mental chaos leading to eventual paralysis.

    I have gotten better. There is hope. Change is possible. And yet I still seem to have to go through a certain amount of turmoil before I actually decide what to do. Sticking with the decision is also difficult. Depending on the level of impact on others I can experience all kinds of guilt and shame and remorse. Ridiculous but true.

    So I’ve made a major life decision. I’ve decided to move back to Canada after 19 months abroad, leaving the community I’ve been living in and the job I’ve been working at. It is the right thing to do and yet the fear comes at me in myriad ways threatening to pull me back and keep me down. I need every resource at my disposal to remain steadfast in the peace that came with the final decision. Because believing the doubt does not bring peace. It just sets me back in indecision. And indecision is really just another form of control.

    Control is the perfectionist’s drug of choice. Getting off it is a lifetime journey of letting go practiced one decision at a time. Luckily, or unluckily, depending on your view, Life itself is the rehab centre. We’re given countless opportunities each day to release the fear and trust in the Unknown. Like the bird singing in the dark trusting day will come.

    Inspiring Message of the Day: Despite my fear of making a mistake I will stick to my decision. I will surrender perfectionism and let go of trying to get it right. I will practice trusting the Unknown.

    To Be Or…

    • May 18, 2010 9:20 am

    Dearest Readers,

    One of the things I have a hugely difficult time doing is making decisions. Big or small, it doesn’t matter. I once stood in the linen section of the Superstore for what seemed like hours trying to decide what sheets to buy. It took me a whole year to buy a truck.

    When I do the deeper investigation into what’s behind my indecisiveness I discover, of course, fear. In this particular case, it is the fear of making a mistake.

    Making the wrong decision would lead to all kinds of bad consequences. This is what the fear tells me. But is this really true? Of course not.

    A few years ago I went on Silent Retreat and during that time was given the opportunity to work with a Spiritual Director. I had a big decision to make and I was struggling with it. This wonderful woman (who is my SD to this day) said, “Why don’t we talk through each option and see what the outcome is for both?”

    So we did that. I imagined “going left” and talked through that scenario until I came to some kind of conclusion and then I did the same for “going right.” What I discovered is that both options had consequences and rewards. Both options would bring challenges and gifts. This was a revelation.

    Knowing I couldn’t make a mistake, that either decision would be a learning experience, it then became a matter of deciding which consequences I was willing to live with. I still had to make a decision but I had more information and clarity with which to decide.

    Today, it can still take me ages to make a decision and I readily admit that there is that old fear wrapped up in my hesitation. But there is also a commitment to clarity inside my waiting. If my Intuition isn’t speaking loudly enough for me to hear it or if the options are too many or the situation too vague, I wait.

    This can be very inconvenient, especially if there are other people involved in the outcome. But this commitment to clarity assuages that old fear. It means I get to feel sure, safe and connected. This is important. These are my needs and I deserve to have them met.

    On the other hand, if I cannot make a mistake because either way I’m going to learn something, then “Make a decision already!” would be a perfectly appropriate thing to shout at me next time you see me standing for hours in an aisle at the Superstore.

    Inspiring Message of the Day: Despite my fear, today I am going to make a concrete decision about something. Big or small, I will decide and I will trust that the consequences and rewards of my decision are teaching tools from which I may learn.