• Back to the Drawing Board

    • February 28, 2011 4:52 am

    Dearest Readers,

    It’s 3:48 a.m. and I’m in absolute despair. The cat I live with pounced on me at 3 a.m. and woke me up and it has refueled an absolute ton of murderous rage.

    You may remember my first post ever. It was September 2009. The cat woke me up and I was so upset, so angry that my only recourse was to pray. The answer I received was, “Blog.”

    I’ve been lying in bed praying for help. How is it that a year and a half have gone by since that first awakening and nothing has changed? I’ve done so much work on this relationship (yes, it sounds funny — it’s a cat — but it’s a cat with an anxiety disorder and believe-you-me this little guy has required me to work) in the name of surrender, compassion and unconditional love and still I end up back here? Swearing into the dark with visions of snapping his neck at the forefront of my mind? Horrible. Horrible!

    Again, my only recourse is to pray. So I breathe. Inhale Love, exhale Peace. Inhale Faith, exhale fear. I begin to drift off to sleep. Pounce! He’s back. I pet him, scratch his fur. God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. He leaves. I can hear him crunching his food in the kitchen. I’m fading. Sleep is close. Pounce!

    That’s when the rage comes. My prayer turns to vehemence. What the f$#%? What the F&$%ING F#$% AM I SUPPOSED TO DO? Show me. Help me. Please. Please. Because I am completely and utterly at a loss as to how I am supposed to deal with this.

    And then the answer. “Blog.” No. Come on. You’re kidding right?

    Perhaps I should explain where the rage is coming from and why it is so pronounced on this particular morning. After all, this is practically a nightly ritual. Most nights it hardly wakes me. I’ve become so used to it that I can now sleep through the cat’s nocturnal exercises. But this night? I happen to be working on a grant.

    Yup, a grant. And it’s a big one. The application is due on Tuesday. It’s going to take every ounce of energy I have to get it in on time. I went to bed at 10 p.m. last night so I could get 8 hours of sleep and wake up at 6 a.m. This would give me an early enough start to do a full morning practice (prayer, meditation, yoga) and a full day of work on the grant. Good plan, Celia!

    And then the cat ruins my plans. So things have not gone the way I wanted them to go. Bingo. Trigger the control issues. Trigger the rage. And I’ve been on the healing path long enough to know that rage = fear.

    So what is the fear? I’m going to be tired. What happens when I’m tired? I get overwhelmed. What happens when I get overwhelmed? I numb out, give up, check out. I recoil from life.

    One of the thoughts I had when I was praying after the first “pounce” was this: Celia, if you are this upset when something this small doesn’t go your way how in the world are you going to handle it when something BIG doesn’t go your way? The grant application is for funding for a feature film. It’s BIG. Maybe this little thing is preparation. Maybe I’m being shown how to handle setbacks.

    What was that very first Inspiring Message of the Day? What did I learn all those months ago? When something happens to me that I do not like, that feels like cruel and unusual punishment, I will see it as an opportunity for growth. I will use it to change the world, be of service, help others. I will thank the person/place/thing that gave me the lesson, for he/she/it is my greatest teacher.

    So now I have to live out this credo. Now. Eighteen months later. I must accept the lesson anew.

    Alright. Let’s do it. Something has happened to me that I do not like. It feels like cruel and unusual punishment. But is that what it really is? No, it isn’t. Seriously, I’ve just been woken up by a cat. He’s asking for love and attention. But it’s 3 o’clock in the morning. So what? I’m going to be tired. So take a nap. I don’t have time. I have to finish the grant. Ah, the grant.

    The grant represents the film. The film represents something much, much more than anxiety over sleep loss. The film represents a lifelong dream. What if I don’t get the grant and I can’t make the film? Better yet, what if I do get the money? Then what? The film might fail. I might fail. These are the deeper fears. They are the fuel behind the fire of rage. This is why I’m being woken up. To confront my deepest fear of failure.

    Sigh.

    Okay. Walk the talk. Be of service. Blog and share. Thank the teacher. Thank you, cat.

    Now can I please go back to bed? You’re up now. You may as well get a head start on the grant. You’ve got a movie to make, don’t you?

    Inspiring Message of the Day: My anger is a defense mechanism for my fear and I am willing to look at my deepest fears today. I am willing to be changed by this awareness of my shortcomings. I am willing to “wake up”.

    Going For It

    • June 15, 2010 5:14 am

    Dearest Readers,

    Today is a “Yes, open the door,” kind of day. Or gate. Either way, I am afraid but I am willing to move forward and walk through my fear.

    Though I am in Kitchener for a conference I am going back into Toronto for the day to meet with a couple of film distribution companies to talk about Last Stop for Miles. I’ve never done anything like this before. It’s totally new territory. The anxiety is close to vomit-inducing.

    Okay, I’m exaggerating for effect but I am working diligently to practice being here now, trusting my Self and letting go of outcomes through mild heart palpitations. This work is constant. Every second I go into my head and every second I’m breathing to bring myself back into my heart. Remember the Big Picture, Celia!

    Ah, yes the Big Picture. What is really important? The world doesn’t revolve around me. There is a Higher Plan afoot. All that good stuff. Need it. Breathe it. Live it.

    Thanks for being there everybody. You’re like silent cheerleaders. I’m so grateful to you!

    Yes, I am afraid. Now open the gate.

    Inspiring Message of the Day: Today I will be my authentic Self. I will let go of the desire to impress and the need for acknowledgment. I will trust that when I am true to who I am, everything Flows exactly as it should.

    Knowing

    • June 12, 2010 5:42 am

    Dearest Readers,

    Something excellent has happened. I’ve made a decision. (Sound of trumpets, fanfare and general exultant cheering.) Hallelujah.

    The making of this particular decision has been a vastly interesting journey. Far too long a story to post here but now that I’ve made it the relief is great. And the fear is big. “OMG, now I have to do it.”

    To do “it”, in this case, is to both direct and act in Last Stop for Miles, the feature film I have in development. Crazy, possibly. My destiny, most certain.

    It’s been 16 years since I first wrote the play by the same name, 8 years since I took a crack at the first draft of the screenplay, 4 years since my sister and I shot the short film in Whitehorse, 3 years since it had its premiere and a number of subsequent festival screenings, and five months since I was awarded Development Funding from Telefilm Canada, which newly opened wide the doors to production.

    It has always been my vision to direct and act in my work. I don’t know why. I only know it is a part of who I am. We are a strange species, the self-director. There aren’t many of us. And we are criticized and analysed and generally thought to be egomaniacal control freaks. But we just are what we are.

    Oh, I’ve been willing to change, let go and be directed. I’ve been willing to let the vision die completely for the sake of the film. I finally abandoned the idea and listened to all the sage advice (“Don’t do it, you’re insane.”) because it seemed like the right thing; the wisest thing.

    But no. The vision will not die. It has kept returning, ever so gently, prodding around inside my cells. This you must do. And so, I now believe, to direct and act this film is no less than the Arching Rainbow of Destiny. (In the understated words of my filmmaking mentor.)

    The clincher came a couple of weeks ago. I heard from a friend that a woman I’d met with, a potential producing partner, found my lack of conviction with regard to the film “wishy-washy.” I’d told her the story of wanting to act and direct and my subsequent letting go of the idea. Apparently I’d capped the story by saying, “So I guess I’ll just direct it.” She found this off-putting.

    Where was my conviction? Lost in fear. Everyone was warning me against the idea and they must be right. I must be wrong. So I listened. I became willing to let go. “I am amenable, flexible, soft.”

    This is a good affirmation for me. It’s important for me to practice letting go because I do tend toward egomaniacal controlling behaviour. But in retrospect I now see that I had to listen to the warnings, give the vision up, say to good-bye to it. I had to in order for it to come back, quietly, then loudly and clearly through the critical voice of another.

    Because now I know. Now there is no doubt. Now I have conviction.

    Hallelujah.

    Inspiring Message of the Day: What is that expression? If you love something, set it free. If it loves you it will come back? How about, if you can’t make a decision, let it go. The answer will be revealed when you are ready to receive it.